The Dinner From Hell: Boris, Theresa and Dave | John Crace

Earlier this week, the Conservative Party raised money by auctioning off the chance for a supporter to dine with Boris Johnson, Theresa May and David Cameron.

John Crace interrupted an awkward conversation…

David Cameron(Silence)

Boris JohnsonSilence)

Theresa May(Silence)

Cameron: A …

Johnson: Is…

Be able to(Silence)

donor: This is fun …

Cameron: Yes …

Be able to: Is the?

Johnson: Shall we order some more wine?

Be able to: Try not to spill it this time.

Cameron: So what inspired you to pay £120k for dinner?

donor: I was actually the underbidder. The woman who promised the most said she would pay almost anything not to have dinner with you. But since I’m here, I’d really like a seat in the Lords.

Johnson: Consider it done. When will I get my share?

donor: Excuse me?

Johnson: The £60k for talking to you a lot…

Cameron: I think you will see that it was a donation to the conservative party.

Johnson: Oh. I would never have offered if I had known.

donor: But can I still have a peerage?

Johnson: Let’s talk later. In private.

Cameron(Silence)

Johnson(Silence)

Be able to(Silence)

Cameron: Tiverton is fun this time of year.

Johnson: Why are you raising Tiverton?

Cameron: No reason… Sam and I happened to be driving through the area on our way to stay with Hugo and Sasha Swire. Do you know the Swires?

Be able to: No.

Cameron: Hugo was Deputy Minister at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs when you were Minister of the Interior …

Be able to(Silence)

donor: So… how do you all think Brexit is going?

Cameron(Silence)

Be able to(Silence)

Johnson: Wonderful. Never better. The UK is booming. Bozza rebuilds better.

Cameron: As in the economy, GDP is hit by 4% during a cost of living crisis.

Johnson: Stop talking Britain out, Dave. Jacob Rees-Mogg scraps a European law that would force the UK to have the same phone chargers as other EU countries. So now we will have to buy another one when we go abroad. That’s what I mean when I say I’m going to “get Brexit done”.

Cameron: Admit it, Boris. Being Prime Minister is a lot harder work than you expected…

Johnson: It is certainly very poorly paid. I’ve never been so broke in my life. I used to get £275k a year making old bobbins for the Telegraph. Now I actually have to work all day. And I only make about £150k.

Cameron: Although you have Lord Brownlow to pick up the bill for upholstery and other living expenses. By the way, well done for getting rid of Lord Geidt. He hindered your style before…

Johnson: Well, there’s no point having an ethics advisor if you don’t have ethics… Anyway, tell me. How much are you both withdrawing as former prime ministers?

Cameron: Well, usually life is quite boring. I’m just sitting in my shepherd’s hut waiting for the phone to ring. But it rarely does. No one really wants to hear what I have to say about anything…

donor: I know what you mean …

Cameron: Still, I got £800k for my really boring memoir. You should get a lot more if you publish your diaries about how you stabbed me in the back…

Johnson: You’re not still bitter about that, are you? It’s your own fault. If you hadn’t been so lazy and sloppy, you would never have lost the referendum. And besides, I betray everyone. That’s what I do. Just ask Marina and all the other women…

Be able to: I make a fortune.

Johnson: WTF?

Cameron: WTF?

Be able to: I am inundated with offers to give speeches …

Johnson: People pay you to speak?

Be able to: Yes. Over £100k for just over 30 minutes…

Johnson: I am surprised.

Be able to: Yes, people are still interested in the Malthouse compromise…

Cameron: I suppose it was no more idiotic than Northern Ireland protocol. After all, Boris has gone to great lengths to negotiate a Brexit deal, but had to revoke his own treaty and now has to negotiate all over again. Good luck with that.

Johnson(Silence)

Cameron(Silence)

Be able to(Silence)

donor: So …

Cameron: So …

Be able to: Geoffrey Boycott.

Cameron: What’s wrong with him?

Be able to: He was a great cricketer. I once saw him make 17 between lunch and tea in a Test against Pakistan in Lords.

Cameron: And?

Be able to: And nothing. That was it. Geoffrey Boycott.

donor: OK … How do you think you will all be remembered?

Cameron: I hope history will be kind. It’s not my fault I kept my eye off the ball. Remember, I was Prime Minister much longer than Theresa. And almost certainly Boris too. Besides, in Oxford I got a better degree than Boris…

Johnson: That’s because you were a girly swot. I’m definitely going down as one of the all-time greats. The first prime minister to pick up a criminal record. If only Sue Gray and the Met had managed to find out what we’ve really been up to in #10! The prime minister who stirred up division and failed to improve the country. The man who put a smile on the faces of refugees with his leading Rwanda plan…

Be able to: Well, I want to record that I was a lot more popular than Boris. I won my no-confidence vote with a higher percentage of votes than him.

Johnson: But I keep on holding on…

Be able to: Not if I have anything to do with it.

Cameron: Well well.

Johnson(Silence)

Be able to(Silence)

Cameron(Silence)

Johnson: Now that we’re here, I have one last favor to ask. Carrie finds it very difficult to get a job. Preferably around €100k for a three day week. Can any of you help her?

Be able to: Maybe that idiot Jonathan Gullis needs an unpaid intern…

donor: Didn’t you ask for something similar for Jennifer Arcuri?

Cameron: Shall we miss dessert?

donor: Would we rather have done the same with the main course…

Johnson: Can someone lend me £20 for a taxi? I seem to have come out without money…

Cameron(Silence)

donor(Silence)

Be able to(Silence)

Leave a Reply